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life on mars.....
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| So, if modeling is so embarrassing, what isn't? What would I be proud to tell them? What would I want to say I did with my day, I mean today?
Went Shopping
Baked Bread
Made Vanilla Cream Pie
Made Macaroni and Cheese with Tofu Steak
Made Popovers
Studied Latin
Cleaned the Bathroom/Kitchen/House in general | comments: Leave a comment   |
| Why am I such a loser? I can't seem to get anything done. I'm wandering through my recipes thinking "what should I make? WHAT SHOULD I MAKE?!" And now it's already 11:30 and I haven't done anything! I just want to die.
I started to make a profile on Model Mayhem because Charles (our neighbor) said that I should do modeling on the side for extra money. Anyway, it was taking forever just to make the profile and I don't want to model. I think it's embarrassing. I mean, I would be embarrassed to tell Ryan or my parents or friends "Well, I'm gonna do this photo shoot with such and such." I don't know what they would think I was really trying to do, like actually be a model, which just does not fit my lifestyle. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I guess I could be doing chores. It's cold today. I did chores yesterday. Done studying...for today. Ryan's at Fry's. Don't know when he'll be back. If I could do anything I wanted right now, what would it be? I don't even know! That's the problem. I actually WANT to do chores cuz it's a good excuse to get stoned. I made a strawberry pie yesterday. It wasn't that great because they were frozen strawberries, so when I thawed them out, they got really mushy. I should be baking more, but.........I can't decide what to make. Once reason I feel like I don't know what to do is that I don't know what Ryan is going to wanna do when he gets back. I guess we have to start taking the bike apart (I mean the motorcycle, not my bicycle; the fly wheel is bad, so we're gonna sell it piece by piece), or at least start cleaning the windshield and stuff like that.
I should be reading in preparation for switching back to being an English Major. I miss real school! Next semester I'll have Statistics at City along with Baking at Trade Tech. Then, in the Summer, I'm going to work. Then in the Fall, I guess it's back to Trade Tech. I need to be making money! Keep thinking about Jumbo's, but feel like an outcast, afraid to go back, embarrassed. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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Is it just me, or is Eddie Izzard totally hot? I mean, yeah, he looks, a LITTLE gay in this picture, but overall he's cute+intelligent+funny, and that = HOT! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Time: | 10:22 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/thankful.gif) stoned |
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| | I'm worried about what Chef Bill might say to me today cuz I left early yesterday! Damn, I'm just so much more used to regular college where you're professors aren't all up in your business. But, I have to admit that I do better, most people probably do better in their classes when the instructor is more involved and attentive. My classmates are used to having to answer to somebody. Three of them (in a class of only about 30) have done time in prison. The others may have been in jail before, I don't know. One lady seems like a recovering addict of some kind, perhaps. Oh, and some at least one was in the military. And one girl seems like she maybe did jrotc in school or went through some kind of dicipline-heavy experience. Anyway, so here I am wondering what Chef Bill might say to me! As if I care....but my grade, ya know? He has the power. It's a hard fight. There's so much wrong with this class. I need to get back to regular school. I've started reading Ryan's Latin text book. Just the intro so far. I'm trying to get a better sense of History, but I don't like History books. It's so much better to just pick it up indirectly. I'll have to actually study it directly at some point, though. I want to start at the beginning. As far back as I can go before it's turns into paleo-anthropology, or something. I'm so far behind when it comes to History, but I've always had trouble starting in the middle. In high school it was part of the History of Britain. It seemed so out of context and meaningless. Memorize royal family trees, basically and the dates of wars and battles. Then my first class in College (at Valley with Maddox) was American History. A little easier to take out of context because it's my own country, I guess, but still too focused on dates and names, empty names with little personality. Just birth and death dates. But looking at Latin will teach me about culture, and literature and philosophy. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| My neck hurts. I can't move without it hurting.
Looking back, part of me is thinking that I should've just gone to Cal State LA instead of chickening out and going to Trade Tech. I love baking, but this isn't going to be my career and I would've been on my way to getting a Bachelor's degree right now instead of being stuck in Chef Bill's retarded class. I could've just kept working at Jumbo's while taking one or two classes at a time. And I'm thinking now "why am I not taking classes at Cal State LA? I don't have a job anyway." But when I made my deciscion I was still living in my old apartment, taking care of myself.
My current plan is to just stick with going to school full time, just enjoy it, take Statistics along with Baking, get a job in Summer 2010, probably at Wolf Gang Puck Catering cuz they're always hiring, then maybe transfer to Cal State LA in Fall 2010.
I miss English, but in a way I feel like I want to learn about things from start to finish, I mean from the earliest History (or pre-history, anthropology) then forward through the ages. In Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance the origins of though, logic, philosophy in ancient Greece were discussed and it really made me think that I need to understand all that before I can truly understand the thinking and writing that came after that. In a way, I think that from maybe the 1800's onward, I've seen a sort of hinting at, or a longing for or a sense of these ancient questions and ideas in novels. The troubles of modern times, or even a couple hundred years ago are only symptoms of choices made long ago. Choices about how to view the world. Those early ideas have influenced everything since.
If I hadn't felt a need to step away from English, I might not have thought about ancient History and its importance for understanding the subject. I knew I needed to slow down. I knew I was missing something. Now I see that it was ancient Greek philosophy. In the English classes I've taken (upper division, that is; lower division is more concerned with writing and reading comprehension, not analysis) the goal was pretty much always to write a paper demonstrating how the piece reflected the events and viewpoints of the time, but you can look deeper into the literature and the characters and the auther and even the era if you break it down into it's philosophical fundamentals. I'm not even sure that I know what I'm talking about, but I think you could trace the point of a lot of novels, literature and poems back to ancient philosophy. The reason this is so, is because these basic ideas are so ingrained in us or maybe they're just a fundamental part of how our minds work, that we can't get away from them or really even have an original thought. So, there's all this hinting and everyone can relate and feel it, and poke at it and think that it's something recent, something current, something new, but it isn't at all. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | (s) | | Time: | 12:03 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/bouncey.gif) dribbling my head |
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| I know I behave like my mother....I've started to do the things she used to tell me to do, like saving receipts. I never used to. I'd always lose them and then I'd be in trouble. But now, as an adult, in my own home with Ryan, I save those damn receipts. Not very well and I've still lost some, though, because I'm just obeying the arbitrary "save the receipts" rule and I'm not actually doing anything with them, like tracking our spending or even looking at them at all. Is that a housewife duty? To manage the accounts, like grocery bills, traditionally...? I think so. I've been watching too much Mad Men. I'm supposed to be cleaning right now. I don't mind doing chores like I used to. When you love where you live, you want to take care of it. Anyway, Ryan doesn't spend what he does every month on this place just to see it get trashed. Mag's been peeing on stuff, so I have to stay on top of that. She's retarded and crazy, but so cute! So cute it hurts in my chest area when I look at her and she looks back at me with her baby angel eyes...."Mew!"
Who's guessed by now that I'm stoned out of this world and it's only noon! Hellooooo Friday! | | comments: Leave a comment |
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Chocolate Cupcakes -- I used my good old standard chocolate cake recipe for this, only I used almond milk instead of
buttermilk (I never have buttermilk, so I've never really made the cake the original way) and I used whole white wheat flour
instead of cake flour. They came out very light.
| | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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Plum filled Shortcake with whipped cream -- this is what I made for my practical exam today.
It was really tasty. I hope I got an A.
| | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Oh, I know what made me start thinking about that....I was just thinking about the lion in the wizard of oz and how he sings with this kind of mock-opera tone to his voice.....so I was thinking that musicals evolved from operas like the magic flute, stuff written for the lower classes that kind of makes fun of opera....and the lion singing that way would be an example, I guess....I don't know.....and I don't really think that gays have "taken over," if they did, the world would probably be a lot more fun and color coordinated. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | I was just thinking about how musicals are really just the same as operas only with shit for music. At what point did telling a story to music become a musical and not an opera? I guess when the gays took over. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Time: | 11:27 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/busy.gif) busy |
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| | My favorite vegetable is tater tots. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I just found the myspace page for Jumbo's Clown Room. Basically, I guess I've quit working there. Karen wasn't putting me on the schedule, but she would've put me back on after a while. I don't know why she doesn't like me. Supposedly it was my short hair, lake of girly clothing and not enough make-up....but there's two other girls with short hair, and one other one that just cut hers semi-short......and doesn't the fact that I'm younger, prettier, and fitter than a lot of the other girls count for anything??!! Hey! I'm practically the only one who doesn't have cellulite!! Or children! I'm not the "type" so I just didn't fit in. I think that's what it was, and maybe Karen couldn't even really put her finger on it, so she just said "well, I don't like her hair." After looking at the myspace page, I can't help missing the girls I used to work with and being on stage, but I can't help being kind of glad that I don't "fit in" there. It's all pretty sleezy. Better to "rise above." Not that I really think I'm better than them at all. I was right there with them all and loving it (well, sometimes hating it), and I admit that. My life is changing now and I think I can grow and change with it. I still feel tainted somehow, though. I'm still the kind of person who would dance on stage in their underwear. I didn't really quit by choice, I was driven away by the embarrassment of being disliked by the boss (Karen), and the fear that eventually I'd be fired comepletely. And I plan on trying to go back there next summer once my hair has grown! So, really, I'm not changing or growing at all. I miss being on stage. There's nothing like it. Also, I can't help thinking that I shouldn't have that kind of job now that me and Ryan have our own place together and he said that his intention is to stay with me. He didn't say anything about marriage, but my point is that we have a serious relationship and I think if he'd had a look at the dancing I was doing there, he would've been jealous. I know he didn't like it that sometimes I would get groped, although I tried to avoid that and reprimand the perpetrator, it's just the kind of place where things can get a little crazy sometimes. Pushing the groping and general disrespect I'd receive out of my mind was sort of exhausting and it's a relief not having to deal with that. I just wish that I could've said good-bye to Jumbo's purely because of my desire to better myself and get away from all that filth instead of feeling like my boss was dicking me around hoping I would quit.
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| OK! I admit it: I kind of miss having my own apartment. Wow. How stupid, I know. Somehow I managed to pay my rent, my bills, and even feed Ryan a few dinners a week with groceries I bought myself. Every month I would think "I may have to borrow money from Ryan. This month I'm just not going to make it." I never borrowed any money. Somehow I made the two ends meet. Now, you might think that I would be happy with this virtually rent free arrangement that I've got going now. I supposed to "chip in" on the rent, just whatever I can afford. I've got a roof over my head, I'm well fed, cuz Ryan loves me and takes care of me and I should be glad...but I actually feel more insecure and unstable. Sometimes I even want to run away. I feel traumatized by this move into a new place, a new situation. Sometimes I hate it here so much! I think I must be crazy to hate it.
Rent free, somehow I'm still broke all the time! That's because I haven't been working at Jumbo's Clown Room. It's been weeks. Over a month. I miss it, but I hated it at the time. Or, I thought I did. Apparently it was the only place where I really fit in. I would think about it all the time. My thoughts would go like this "Ryan, Jumbo's, Ryan, Jumbo's.........Ryan, Jumbo's, Ryaaaaannnnn...., Jumbo's, Ryan!!!" I worked with women that were around my own age, shared a common interest with myself (dancing), and I got to meet a lot of interesting people. Everyone there is sort of a misfit in some way. The girls I worked with were strong enough to be like "I know I'm dancing in my underwear and acting sexy and slutty. It's fun, people pay me cuz they find it entertaining and arousing, and I don't give a damn if other people want to try and slap me with their 'morals.' It is 2009 and this is America. I am a woman and I am free!" | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Isn't it sad when you go to a swap meet or Van Nuys Blvd and you see poor Hispanic people selling cheap clothes, shoes and accessories that obviously had to have been made in a sweatshop...? Poor Hispanic people unwittingly exploiting poor Asian people. It isn't their fault, of course, cuz the people producing that cheap crap know exactly what they're doing, and the poor people buying it wholesale are just trying to survive. They probably have never heard of a sweatshop. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Why does water from the bathroom sink taste different from the water out of the kitchen faucet?
I rarely stay up til midnight anymore.
It's not midnight yet, and I doubt I'll be awake much longer.
I've been feeling strange lately. It's from not working. Moving was very time consuming and then right after that I caught a cold (from Ryan, who was sick the whole time we were moving. poor thing!!). So, I haven't worked in weeks. I'm broke.
Maybe that's why I'm so restless and a little stressed out. I don't like not having any money. Who does, right? What I mean is that I want to buy things. I'm craving the thrill of the purchase. Finding some treasure that, now that I've seen it, I just can't live without it. These shoes will go with everything! I've just gotta have these shoes! OK, now take a look at the price tag. Uh-oh. That's....no, that's too much. I can't be spending money. Bills, food, rent!...cat food!...Ooooohhh(whining)...but --! Well.... I'm walking around now, looking frantically at the cheaper shoes. Maybe there's something even better!...For less! But, of course, there's not. And I've been holding the shoes I REALLY want this entire time. I really can't seem to let them go. I look down at the shoes in my hands. Try them on again... "They're sooo nice. How come I never get to have anything nice. All my stuff is old. I look like a bum. How can I get anywhere in life looking like a bum? I need to be chic! Have style! And confidence! These shoes can make it happen! This is an investment!" Now, I must head to the counter very quickly before...well, before I find my way back to reality...the bills, etc. Right up to the counter, big smile on my face, all friendly and polite with the cashier. "Yes, you can help me. I'd like to purchase these marvelous shoes! This must be my lucky day, finding shoes like this. And worth every penny. The quality! Mm-hm. There you are -- thank you! Now, quick, out of the store.
Aaahhhh...now I feel better. I get on my bike, or the bus, start heading home. Peaking into the bag at my treasure now and then. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Time: | 10:12 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/loved.gif) loved |
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| | I didn't know life could be like this. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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Hey friends! Remember going to Scoops before heading up to the Observatory and eating stepped on cake? Well, there's going to be a bake sale there! Please come! Park in my driveway or front yard for convenience! | | comments: Leave a comment |
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life on mars.....
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