My eyes are puffy today from crying yesterday and the day before, but I've come through it and I can finally be happy. Unsure how to phrase it, I'd been searching for information on feelings of insecurity. Finally, I stumbled upon an article about how feelings of fear and anger can surface in response to being loved. Instead of being able to accept the love and give love back, the belief that one is unlovable will lead to negative feelings of anguish and hostility. I was insecure and building up walls. I didn't believe that I deserved love. I believed that if I just got everything perfect, then I could be loved -- when I'm more fit, when I have a job, when I have breast implants, when my nails are painted perfectly, when I'm not so hungry, when I'm not so full, when I remember everyone's birthday and stop drinking too much at holiday/family get togethers . . .
So, I recognized what was going on in my mind. I admitted that the anger was fear and then I felt the fear and let it wash over me. I felt the sadness of having been afraid for so long. I accepted that I was afraid to love and didn't know how to give love. I let that fear be. But, I also recognized the fact, which has been proven to me every day for nearly eight years, that Ryan loves me. Whether I accept it or love him back or do anything, or think anything. I know he loves me because it's so fucking obvious! I'd have to be blind, nay, not blind, but dead! not to recognize that his love for me is a fact. Finally, I was able to really believe in his love -- in the strength and power of it. My fear diminished and my love grew with my trust in him.
love keeps me alive
- Major breakthrough